Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Proposition to Revive

It was clear from the beginning that the kamikaze pilots of the Confederacy had received explicit orders from the King and his generals to kill me on sight, but they weren't counting on me wearing this awesome fucking jacket with "USA-1" and "United States of America" embroidered all over it.

Hour upon hour of dodging the Dukes of Hazard flag put me into a contemplative mood, and because I am the cynical dissident that I am, it wasn't long before I came to the inevitable conclusion that everything sucks except for Hookers-and-Drugs. In doing so, I was reminded of the time when, in a global display of badicalness, America tried to kick its own ass, and lost. Here is a documented, abbreviation of the thirty year conversation that started the Civil War:

North: Give us your money!

South: How ‘bout yous suck our nuts?

North: Seriously, bitch, give us your money or will put the smack down on your shit. We’re talking taxes and tariffs, motherfucker.

South: Nuh’uh.

North: How about we kick you in the nuts and take away your slaves, then?

South: I'd like to see you try.

North: Wrassil’ you for ‘em

And then it was on; Jefferson Davis invented the Confederate States of America, and Abraham Lincoln co-founded the Regular States of America. The RSA attempted to win back the love of the Confederates by shooting bullets into their heads, burning their houses down, and starving them to death. The Confederates employed similar tactics to win their independence, and shit got heavy.

This raises the question: Why would Regular Fucking Americans try so hard to retain the mutant half-breed mouth breathers that the Confederacy was comprised of? Had I been in charge, I should have marched the entire Union army to the Mason Dixon line, and given them orders to push. But that didn’t happen.

Why not? A good answer can be found by taking a closer look at the "current situation with that camel fucker in Iraq." We're all familiar with the rhetoric and posturing that preceded the operation. America’s proof of Iraqi links to Al Qaeda, though imaginary, as well as exaggerated intelligence of Iraq’s burgeoning chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons programs, was enough to put the fear into Americans of serious cock-blockage in U.S. attempts to skull-fuck the world.

This all makes sense, to a point, to retards, and people who believe that failure to support American aggression amounts to being a pussy-faced homo who hates Freedom, Shaq, and Kobe. Which explains why you bought a patriotic bumper sticker while the U.S. blew up Iraq, chased out (or burnt) its government, and destroyed its infrastructure. Saddam was captured, his family killed, which is all right with me, because that was the Primary Mission Objective, and success meant the Americans could stop worrying about being attacked by all of those Iraqis that always attack…um…But in doing so, everyone found out that there were no links to Al Anything, nor were there any NCB weapons programs.

So we won, right? I mean, we went over there and shit in their sandbox. Mission Accomplished; time to go home, right?

Apparently not.

The Bush White House has never read Steinbeck’s The Moon is Down, or if they have, decided to ignore its warnings about the extreme difficulties of occupying foreign lands. Instead, they jumped to the same conclusions that Abraham Lincoln arrived at: American Presidents should be free to decide how other sovereign states govern themselves, and to enforce that freedom with violence when they see fit, especially when a profit is to be made doing so. The driving principle behind this ideology is that it is wealth, not people, which makes countries great; when there is a choice between sacrificing the some several hundred thousand lives, and increasing revenue through taxation, the decision is not a difficult one.

Therefore, people who think that it is a mere coincidence that American occupation forces are now siphoning from the second largest supply of oil in the world are as fucking retarded as the people who think the American Civil War was started to abolish slavery.

When Lincoln freed the slaves of the Confederate (but not the Union) States, it was at a time when most nations, including most of Europe, deemed the Union’s resistance to the Confederate States a doomed effort, and threatened to become involved on behalf of the South. What the Emancipation Proclamation did, besides supply the North with fresh troops, was to give a new meaning to the same old war, the costs to prosecute which were rapidly outweighing the benefits. After all, the glow of blind patriotism wanes after time, and as it does, people begin asking questions, which is what we all should be doing now. We all know why we invaded Iraq, but what the fuck are we still doing there, when an American presence is guaranteed to perpetuate the chaos and violence?

If you’re like me, you don’t want to trade lives for Iraqi oil wealth, and you’ve noticed that every time you get raped at the gas-pump, that said wealth isn’t doing shit for you.

And if you’re still like me, you think that since Southerners are still waving their dumb fucking flag, we should offer them another chance to secede from the nation.

Politicians pay a lot of lip service to preserving freedom and democracy at home and abroad, which is a sad euphemism for pursuing the interests of the federal government. If not, then when South Carolina declared its independence from the rest of the United States in 1860, the Man would have said, "Rock on, brother! Let Freedom fucking ring!"

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